Instant Destiny

...or my experience with Instagram Giveaways

For those of you unfamiliar with the cluster that is me, I had the non-pleasure of three, yes, three ER visits in a two-month timespan…and for three different ailments, to boot. The last one was a doozy—tremendous pain in my back radiating down my leg involving my spine, discs, etc. etc. ad nauseum. (You didn’t come here for a medical lecture. If you like those, hit up NIH while there are still people there who appreciate the scientific method.)

Anywho, back to me. (Har har. See what I did there. No? Get moar coffee.) Long story short, I was placed on a number of medications to help me with the pain and the inflammation happening. (And yes, the second I could get off them, I did because I am my mother’s daughter and I don’t want to be addicted to ANYTHING. Except music. And chocolate. And my family.) This included Diazepam, which to us old 1970s people equals Valium. And Oxycodone, which is Tylenol with Codeine. Have you ever watched the Bugs Bunny cartoon where a bottle of ether breaks and Bugs ends up being chased in slow motion?

That was the vibe.

Hence, I could do literally nothing for a few weeks. I sat in a chair when a good friend told me about her forays into the world of Instagram giveaways. Soon, after some searches, I started following thousands of people on my official writer account (bad, naughty Sher!) and entering contest after contest. I even won a couple, including a handmade bracelet, a box of high-end beauty products, a tea kettle (which I LOVE), chocolate (also LOVE), and random other things. I even won a box of high-end beauty products for my daughter, which means she will have to love me forever. (I think she does regardless, but this seals the deal.)

Now, I am in the process of unfollowing EVERY. SINGLE. ACCOUNT that isn’t about writing or people I know and/or appreciate. Instagram doesn’t make this simple, btw. I’m now ONLY about 1000 accounts away from being back where I started. I’ll create a second account if I want to continue on this time-wasting activity. But fun, random things I have learned about Insta (and probably Tik Tok) giveaways.

• Influencers have a STRONG NEED to CLICK THEIR LONG FINGERNAILS over every product. I’m not sure why they do this—maybe to scare the evil spirits out of the item? But for whatever reason, this is FUCKING ANNOYING. STOP! Back in the old days on game shows, we had what we called “prize strokers.” Usually women (remember? Old days?) would lovingly caress a car, a boat, a box of Creamettes Elbow Macaroni. It was silent, and it was not terribly irksome. I beg you, 20- and 30-somethings out there to make money by shilling for companies: cut your nails. And stop tapping.

• Most of these giveaways require entrants to like, save, share, comment, and possibly give away your social security number. (Kidding on that last one. I think.) Sometimes all, sometimes some, but that. Sometimes, you are asked to write something deep and thoughtful. (This is how I won a box of high-end beauty products for me AND my daughter. I’m lucky AND I’m a writer.) But when you enter, you can expect a barrage of two types of followers:

  a) Accounts that pretend they are the giveaway account but usually say they are the secondary account of that account and often have “Winner” in the name. Report and block these mofos; they are scammers; and

  b) A zillion OnlyFans accounts. For reasons I don’t grasp, the photo is usually a woman in a hijab, but occasionally, it is a man or some other gal. I block them, but YMMV.

• Occasionally, there are giveaways by people who want you to not only follow their 12 personal accounts but also every single account THEY follow. Run away from these. Too much work.

• An observation but not a judgement: many of the independent women who run giveaways have scripture in their bios. Would Jesus would be on Insta hawking athleisure?

• Finally, there is a song that may be called “Easy To Love” that a ton of these giveaways use but I’m not 100 percent sure if that’s the name. If I never hear it again, it will be TOO SOON. “I think you’re so easy to love” plays in my brain now, nonstop. Thanks.

It’s been fun. But now that I am better-ISH, and now that I have actual things to do, I realize what a colossal waste of time this exercise was. I could have outlined an entire book in the time I spent following and unfollowing. Also: how many beauty products and perfumes and exercise clothes does one person actually NEED? With all that’s happening in the world, I’m overcome with how tone-deaf the conspicuous consumption angle has become. Insta perfume influencers pose before hundreds, if not thousands, of bottles of perfume. How smelly are we, people? I love perfume—and I mean I love it a lot (looking at you, Magie Noire, Samsara (Guerlain), Tom Ford Tobacco Vanille, the late, lamented Velvet Teddy (bring it back, MAC!), and Shalimar). But there are only so many days in the year!

(And no. I don’t get anything from those links. I just put it there for illustrative purposes or in case someone is looking for a gift for me.)

Feel free to follow ME on Instagram. I cannot guarantee I will be doing giveaways anytime soon, but you never know. My nails could grow.